I Feel Like…

A loser. A loser who has no idea what she wants to do in her life and is completely lost in a world where success and achievement is measured by how much money you make or if you settled down with “the one”. Unfortunately, I don’t have either so it’s really hard for me not to compare myself with those who have a steady job or those who have someone to lean on during hard times.

To be honest, these last few weeks were difficult. I recently got laid off and that really hit the nail on the coffin. I don’t have a job and what I thought I wanted to do in life seems unfamiliar to me now. It’s scary to not know what your passion is or what you want to do for the rest of your life. I recently saw an old coworker of mine through my friend’s wedding. She was talking about how she loves what she is doing right now and it opened many new opportunities for her. I really admired how much passion and love she had for her job. It’s really rare to find someone who is so passionate about what they do as their job. As she was talking passionately about photography, I wondered to myself “Will I ever find my passion?” It’s been a question I’ve been asking myself for quite a while now. And it’s something that I’ll continue asking the next few months.

During times like these, I wish I had someone to rely on. I really envy those who have a partner that can help them emotionally and financially. But it wasn’t like this for the past few months. I was actually perfectly happy being single. For the first time in eight years, I finally accepted myself as a single person and I wasn’t ashamed of it. I enjoyed the freedom of not being tied down and emotionally invest in someone. I could go anywhere in the world and not be worried about what the other person might think. But that all changed when I heard that those who hurt me got married. I mean I didn’t thought about them at all the last year or so until my friend broke the news to me that they got married. And I honestly thought I was able to forgive them for what they did to me but I realized the cuts are deeper than I thought. Even though it’s been years, it really stung how that they’re happy while I had to go through a lot during these past few years. It’s unfair. But then again, a friend of mine said life wasn’t made to be fair.

Now I can’t help but notice those who are engaged or getting married around me this year. After going to three weddings this year, it made me self conscious about myself and my self worth. But there were people around me constantly saying that I have to be fully happy with my singleness before God blesses me with someone. I hated every single word they said. I know they come from a good place and their true intention wasn’t to hurt me but they will never fully understand how it feels. They were fortunate enough not to go through the things that I went through and they were blessed to marry their first love while mine went up in flames lol. So I don’t even bother talking about how lonely I am anymore.

I wanted to cry this whole day today but I wasn’t able to until I was walking down the street in the middle of the night. While walking on the streets of Pasadena, I saw a store full of beautiful white wedding dresses and I thought how pretty they were. Before I knew it, the tears started to roll down and I cried. I cried because I felt like a loser. I felt like a loser for not being able to snatch opportunities when they were right in front of me. I felt like a loser because my parents measured my beauty and self worth based on how thin I am. I felt like a loser because I’m not where I want to be in life… So I cried to my heart’s content today.

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