Quarantine Thoughts #28: Relax

Worry Wart has been my middle name as long as I can remember. Not Yong Sun, but Worry Wart. Starting from 6th grade, I would have nervous breakdowns and my emotions were out of control. One moment I was laughing and the next I was crying. Was I bipolar? Maybe? I don’t know as I didn’t go to a therapist because one, I couldn’t afford one obviously since I was a kid but two, I didn’t even know what being bipolar was. What triggered my emotions was stress. And those stress was tied back to me worrying about the smallest inconveniences in my life. The smallest situations would activate and crank up my emotions to its full capacity. Tears would start to well up in my eyes and I would start wailing because of this one little thing that could honestly figure itself out in the end. But I didn’t know that at that time. To me, I thought it was going to be the end of the world.

There were a lot of times when I worried excessively but the two situations that I could remember as clear as day was when I was working at Starbucks and getting laid off at my first company. Back in 2016, I started working at Starbucks in the beginning of January and I continued to work there after I graduated from college. I was confident that I was going to get a job within a month or two after graduation. I was ready to leave Starbucks and become a kick ass creative for a huge ad agency. But my confidence started to waver as days became weeks became months, I didn’t hear back from anyone. Some of my friends already got jobs within the first month and the stress started to kick in. While my friends were working “real” jobs, I was stuck at Starbucks serving coffee to cranky coffee addicted people who sometimes were very demanding and entitled.

I started to get more miserable each day and I remember one night I was in my car after visiting my pastor’s house. Tears started to form and I had to park my car on the street because I was sobbing so much I couldn’t see what was in front of me. I called my close school friend and I just broke down. At this point in my life, I was really depressed and stressed. I woke up at 3:00 am everyday to get ready for work as I was in opening shifts. The lack of sleep and stress started to build up inside of me. In the car, while talking to my friend I started to cuss at God. I cussed at Him saying He doesn’t care about me and there’s no point in praying to Him (I know… It’s not something I’m proud of and I could’ve handled it better but I was immature at that time). The breakdowns became more frequent as the days went on. I was so so SO desperate to leave Starbucks and work at an agency.

Father God finally heard my prayers (more like whining… sorry God lol) and blessed me with a junior art director position at an ad agency. Looking back, He really did bless me as I didn’t do much except for being miserable and complaining all the time haha. Not proud of that. I really am thankful to Father God for saving me during my darkest days. Everyday was depressing and honestly, I felt hopeless. But He provided at the very end. There were so many instances where God provided but this was the one that had and still has a huge impact on me.

The second time where worrying took over my life was when I get laid off at the first company back in 2018. I talked about me being laid off in my Quarantine Thoughts #26: Normal post but really didn’t go into full detail of the raw emotions that I felt during that time. Just to clarify, I am no way whatsoever bitter that I got laid off at the first company. I had a wonderful time working there with awesome people and made good memories. Also I am so thankful to God that He gave me the opportunity to work there. I learned a lot and matured as a creative.

When I got news that I got laid off, I cried in front of the CEO of the agency. It was a pretty small ad agency so I worked closely with the CEO as he was also a creative. He was the one who broke the news to me and as embarrassing as it sounds, I wasn’t able to hold back my tears. He was a sweet guy and I knew that it was hard on him as he was sad also. I packed up my things and said my goodbyes to him and the remaining people at the company while sobbing. The next few days were difficult with me trying to process the events that happened. I laid in my bed for days just crying not knowing what the future had in store for me. Never have I cried so much during that time. I don’t know how to describe the devastation that I went through except that I cried until my eyes started to hurt.

For 10 whole months, I was sick with anxiety and even though I applied to companies religiously, I received no callbacks. Even though there were some interviews which made my hope go up, the job never solidified. Desperation filled my days and some days, I couldn’t make myself get out of my bed because I felt helpless. The hope that I would get hired disappeared. I made one last attempt to apply to a company that wasn’t my ideal choice but I was desperate and I had no options. At this point, I was REALLY desperate as I really needed an income. Even though I applied to that job, I didn’t have the confidence that I would get hired but lo and behold, I got the job offer. I was shocked and surprised that I was accepted because there were some situations that led me to think I wasn’t going to get hired. God saved me again when I was the most desperate.

Thanks to this pandemic, now I’m back at square one. I’m jobless again but this time, I’m not worried or stressed. Okay, well, a tiny bit but that tiny worrying isn’t taking over my daily life. I have faith in God that He will provide and that I shouldn’t be stressing myself by worrying about things I have no control of like this pandemic and the results that happened because of it. My past experiences became testimonies of God’s grace. During the two events, I definitely didn’t deserve His grace as I was anxious and worried all the time. And being anxious means that you don’t fully have faith and trust God that He will provide in the end.

A recent testimony that happened to me was when I wasn’t able to get access to my EDD bank account few days ago. I needed to get access to it in order to transfer the funds to my personal checking account. As you guys know, the EDD and Bank of America EDD card websites are at its full capacity with so many people submitting unemployment claims because of the coronavirus. I tried contacting them through email but they just responded to call customer service. I tried calling them but I wasn’t able to get through to anyone. Long story short, I decided not to worry about this situation. Definitely I was stressed but I made the choice not to worry because I had confidence that it would work out in the end. And it did. As soon as I made the choice not to worry, the problem solved itself and I was able to do what I needed to do.

My mentor and counselor said even though we don’t know exactly what will happen in the future, we should have faith and trust God that His promises will come true. Faith is the only way we know the future. Of course, I’m not saying that this applies to every situation like omg I have faith that I will get this guy or girl in the end LOL. Having faith in God means to really let go of things that you can’t control and surrendering them to Him. All your worries and fear about the future are laid at His feet. Make the choice to have faith in Him and trust that He will keep His promises.

 

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